About Scared Scriptless

Scared Scriptless:
the Group

Scared Scriptless has been performing since May 2006. In addition to their many Canton-area appearances (Akron Civic Theatre, First Friday, the Player’s Guild Theatre, the Kathleen Howland Theatre, The Auricle, First Row Centre for the Arts, Lions Lincoln Theatre), they have taught several workshops and classes to groups such as Stark County Job and Family Services, Leadership Stark County, Leadership Tuscarawas County, Dover Middle and High Schools, GlenOak High School drama groups. They have raised thousands of dollars for local non-profit organizations, including the Massillon Museum, the Walsh University Museum Studies Program, the Player’s Guild Theatre of Canton, and the historic Lions Lincoln Theatre in Massillon.

Mandy “Strumpet of the Month” Pond

Member since 2006

Mandy Pond used to be known as “Mandy Altimus” but discarded that identity when she discovered that “Altimus” meant elephant pooper scooper. She is the founder of the “Mandy Pond Museum, Aquarium, Zoo, and Historic Village” in Nowheresville, Illinois. Mandy Pond Day is celebrated every September 2. Unfortunately, it was mistakenly written down as “Labor Day” in the official government record and everyone seems to have forgotten its awesome significance- the celebration of Mandy and all her perfection.

The Real Mandy Altimus Pond

Mandy Altimus Pond, now the archivist for the Massillon Museum, began her career at the Museum in 2004 as a collections intern. She is also a filmmaker, producing works for the Museum such as “The Legacy of Steel” (2004), “Adaptations” (2006), and “The Greatest Generation” (2008). She co-wrote and directed the recreation of the lost film from 1923, “Prodigal Daughters,” for her senior honors thesis in 2005. Mandy has been performing in improv groups since 1999, mainly with Kent Stark’s Stark Raving Mad.

David “Man, The” Sponhour

Member since 2006

I like to look house films sitting a soft armchair. I like to look comedies and melodramas. Still I like to go to cinemas with the girl friend. As to me to like to cook tasty and useful food. I the clever, formed and very beautiful girl. i like to learn something new. Interesting. I like to read detectives and love novels. Friends speak that i very kind person and that I am very similar to an angel.

Kaylene “Extra Spicy Mc” Williams

Member since 2006

Kaylene “Seashell” Williams was discovered at the age of 16 by local authorities while stealing hermit crabs from various souvenir shops on the boardwalk in Ocean City, Maryland. Her charges also included “public indecency” since all she was wearing was a small seashell attached to her back by a string of seaweed. It was later determined that she had been raised by a large clan of hermit crabs from the time she was 2, and she was simply trying to save her “family members” from being sold as novelty pets. Kaylene’s birth parents were eventually found living in Aspen and admitted that, in the summer of 1976, they were pretty messed up on “magic mushrooms” and had left Kaylene on the beach because they believed she was an angry mermaid who needed to be near saltwater. Kaylene enjoys performing improv comedy because it is the only place in which her inappropriate behavior is somewhat productive and doesn’t lead to more arrests. A shout out to Mommy Crab and also to her boo, T-Crab. (R.I.P. Trigger Crab who was killed in a jellyfish float-by in 2006, much respect.) Kaylene loves her crabs.

Matthew “Puppy Lover” Linek

Member since 2011

Matthew “Millhouse” Linek, was born the daughter of a poor coal miner in the Ozark Mountains, early 1800’s.  Disgarding that life at the tender age of 30, Matt ran off with the traveling Bohemain Circus, becoming the youngest ever flea circus ringmaster.  Following the infamous “border collie” incident of 2011 Matt wandered into a Scared Scriptless audition and they haven’t been able to get rid of him since.

The Real Matthew Linek

The REAL Matthew Linek resides in West Akron with his fantastic wife, Martha, and their three adorable Italian Greyhounds, Roxas, Sora, and Axel.  When not acting Matt earns his keep as a Field Engineer for a nationwide tech firm.  An avid videogamer, reader, and self-styled “neveau nerd”, Matt is thrilled to be a part of Scard Scriptless.  And, no….I was not forced to write that…..

…help me…..

Ryan “Cheese & Crackers” Lynn

Member 2006-2011, 2013-present

After years of tireless dedication to the field of genetic manipulation, the brave scientists of the nineteen-eighties stood back to behold their crime against the laws of the Earth. Standing at a staggering six feet and weighing just over one-hundred-and-fifty pounds, Ryan had been born! Watch as Ryan flails his arms ridiculously! Tremble as he speaks in multiple accents over the course of one scene! Be amazed as everything you thought you knew about improv proves to be exactly wrong! Ryan! Shot in that technical marvel, Ryan-o-scope!

The Real Ryan Lynn

Ryan Lynn works for Massillon Cable TV as a Technical Support Representative. When he’s not fixing PC problems he likes to spend his time working out and creating art for local shows and events. A budding painter and general nuisance, Ryan collects old monsters films and loves a warm breeze.

Tim Carmany

Member since 2013

Justin Edenhofer

Member since 2014

SCARED SCRIPTLESS ALUMNI

Kevin “Fish Are Dying In The” Pond

Member 2006-2014

Kevin was never good at writing about himself. He learned to read from a band of traveling minstrels. They also taught him the ways of love, life, and how to make a pretty dang good martini. The minstrels decided to adopt Kevin. He was only 24 years old (this was last Tuesday after all). Once while on the road, the traveling band was fallen upon by a band of hedonistic brigands. Kevin learned a lot more from them. The brigands called themselves “Scared Scriptless” and he’s been with them ever since.

Andrew “Fat Boy” Knode

Member 2006-2014

Andrew holds the distinction as the only man to travel around the world in a hot air balloon made from Spiderman bed sheets, while chewing 64 packs of Big League Chew, and balancing a half empty carton of 2% milk on his head, this past year.  Most recently, Andrew was asked by Bruce Cambell to serve as his acting coach while he prepares for his upcoming roll as King Lear for the Royal Shakespeare Company.  In Andrew’s free time he enjoys laying bricks walls that lead nowhere and digging ditches that seemingly have no bottom.  Mr. Knode would like to thank the Wicked Witch of the West for all her love and support, and also his pet Gorilla, Gunther, without whom none of this would be possible.


Aaron Lee “Wild Card” Jones

Member  2011-2012

Aaron was born on the transport spaceship USS Aberdeen.  Taken by slavers at a young age, he was sold to a pirate vessel where he spent the majority of his childhood.  No information is known about the period of time he spent between ages 13 and 27, only that he returned to earth after contact with an ancient alien artifact.  He spends his days deep in the Cuyahoga wilderness in meditation and development of his massive telekinetic abilities.  Not wanting to totally remove himself from society, Aaron joined the Scared Scriptless team in the hopes that he will one day achieve his dream of actually being funny.

Martin Demchak

Member 2011

Hello..My name is Martin…this is one life story and why I joined Scared Scriptless. I have a sister, mom, and dad. So what happens when you drink and cheese? Let me tell you.

I was at work when I received a phone call from my good friend Natalie. She wanted to go to a club after work for her birthday.  I said, “Hell yeah!” I work at a cheese factory and that night I was working with old, smelly, rotten Swiss cheese yummy! I left work and headed out to pick up Natty (my friend not the beer) and went to a club called Oldonalds.

Did I mention that I didn’t shower? Cause I didn’t.

We went to the club and I immediately ordered two Long Island ice teas with a shot of crown. After I felt the warm glow from the alcohol, I went out the the dance floor to boogie down! I felt like I could bust a move like Nelly and felt strong like the Brawny Man!

I saw this girl next to me and thought to myself, “Gee, what a hot lady, I’m gonna’ score with her tonight!” There was a band there that night and they paused for intermission. This is the part I call, “Drunk with Foreigner.” She went over to the jukebox to be a Jukebox Hero. Me, feeling like and looking GQ, went over to talk to her because When It Comes to Love, I was Waiting for a Girl Like You. So walking over with Double Vision, I tapped her on the back and before I could get a word out she screamed, now mind you the club was pretty quiet,

“Dude you stink! You need to take a bath!”

Wow, when it comes to love that chick was Cold As Ice. I did take a bath, and That Was Yesterday! I was drunk, humiliated, Hot Blooded, and immediately my Heart Turns to Stone. I called Luanne a stupid wench and said that I was not a Dirty White Boy and that I was a man.  I found Natie and told her we need to leave because it’s Urgent. My ego totally fell In Pieces. “Why?” Natie asked.

“Cause the girl told me that I needed to take a bath and that I smelled.”

“Marty, you do stink.”

Too Late, everybody knew that I smelled like a French whore that worked a double at the truck lot. So what I am saying is, “If you ever work with cheese, please, please, PLEASE don’t drink and cheese without taking a bath first.

Patrick Delaney

Member 2011

Bow down before his excellence, the all mighty and powerful Patrick “Skinny B” Delaney. First things first, what are two things more deadly than a Grizzly Bear …if you answered Chuck Norris and Patrick Delaney then you passed the test, and you may be his friend. At the humble age of eight months Patrick performed Michael Jackson’s Thriller verbatim, he THEN chose to walk. At age fourteen Patrick challenged actor Vin Diesel to an arm wrestling match and won, the following year Vin Diesel starred in The Pacifier. Patrick’s biography became a film in 1986, it was called Highlander …note to reader, I killed Patrick Swayze, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE …Patrick Stewart  if you’re reading this, you’re NEXT. In 2008 Patrick had a brain tumor removed, it now goes by the stage name Lady Gaga (uh yeah …you’re welcome Mtv). Recently Patrick returned from a two year journey to China, spending all that time training amongst the honorable Shaolin Monks. Upon his return Dana White described Patrick as, “the most dangerous man with a toothbrush”. You have been warned …

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